the colours of life

This is the first time he’s gonna leave me alone in Singapore. Well, not really the first time. But can consider the first though. I don’t count the ‘pulau tekong’ time when he got to go for ns. Then, he went batam too. But only for one day. But batam is like go in the evening and be back by next day. But for now, he’s going Taiwan for reservist and be back in 2 weeks time. Argh! So long! Well, i cried even before he got out of the house to take the ride to airport. There was a moment, a quiet moment, where i got to look deep into his eyes. And boom! I burst into tears. I put my hand onto his face. I wont be seeing that face for 2 weeks. I cried and guess what he did? He grab his blanket and cover my face. His reason was he doesn’t want to see me crying. Gosh. I really missed him so badly already. Then, stopped crying. After that, i ever wanted to cry. But i hold. Once he saw my watery eyes, he started to scold me. Well, i know how he felt. He just don’t want me to feel so hurt. Cause he will feel hurt to see me cry. But i cant hold it. Seriously. Haix. I got so many request for him to do for me. But only afew he did. Nevermind. So, by around 9plus everybody start to dress up except him! Aha! Since he’s the boss, let him decide the time to go out. Well, we went out about 10.10pm like that. Then, i sat beside him the van. Looked at him non-stop. I really cant believe that he’s gonna leave me. Well, reservist punye psl. Kalo psl lain, jangan harap dier dapat keluar from Singapore without me! Well, in the van, there was afew moments i had my watery eyes. He just remind me not to cry. Okay, fine. I just obey the man whom i love so much. Then, i saw the airport. Gosh! So fast! We all went burger king to eat finger food. Well, he ate burger too. My man is hungry. Ahaha! Den, his sister and bro-in-law came. His sister asked me whether i will cry again later? Of course i say no. Actually i don’t know whether i will cry or not. Hope not. So paiseh! His mum warn me not to cry, cause if i start to cry, she will cry too. Ahaha! Haix. I hope not. Well, i count down with him. Im so lonely without him. Feeling unsecure without him. What else should i say? He’s part of my life for so long. Almost 8 years! After he got himself the boarding pass, i was already sad. We took some pictures together before he fly. Actually his flight is at 2.30am. but he got in about 12am. Gosh. 2 hours plus can still spend time with family seh. Haix. When i got into the van, i kept msging him. Feels like crying, but no one to turn to. Wouldn’t be the same as his shoulders. Baby, please come back soon k. I miss you so much. And another important thing that he told me today. Will update in private post. Ehehe!

And here he go again. Breaking his promises. The plan was we gonna meet on Tuesday and Friday. But its just that Friday, he got to fetch me from work and maybe we go out. Or maybe just send me back home. Thats all. But he told me that he wanna meet me on Tuesday only, cause Friday he wants to rest more. Ok, fine with me. But guess what, he asked me yst whether can we meet on Friday instead. B, im working on Friday and we gonna have few hours together. But nevermind. And guess what? He need to work tmr. F*! Again?! Why must his work always turn up like this! Im so fedup. B, do you know how does it hurt when you cant meet your love ones? Maybe you will never understand cause i never turn you down. Maybe i should do one day to you, so that you can understand how painful it is. Or maybe you will never understand? I don’t know. Well, i guess you simply don’t understand my love for you. You know, other couples cant wait to meet each other over the weekends. Just because they miss each other. All they want to do is to meet up and see each other. But since we are in shift work, we only got to meet up during our off days. i just don’t understand why you got no feeling of missing me after so long of not meeting me? Your love is no longer strong for me. I know it. Sometimes, i feel like no use holding on. But my love for you still strong. What should i do? I love you so much till i hardly love and think for myself. All i think is you. Why cant you be like how i do in this relationship? Why cant you just show your true love to me? Do you still love me? You said you love me, but i cant feel your love. Seriously, you got no more initiative in our love. B, im your fiancé. We gonna get married in few more years. Do you still love me? I simply cant feel your love. Why must you always hurt my feelings? I hate you, do you know that? I hate you so much that i love you so much. Just because of love, i abandon my own feelings and thoughts. All i think is you. Why cant you see that i freaking love you? Why? F* you b! I hate you so much this time round. I reali do. But i still love you very strong. For 7 years plus, if my love can still grow strong, why not you? Or maybe what people say is true-lelaki cepat jemu?

I love you honey!!! Muuuaaaks!!!

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my colleaque, Hazel asked me before about who loves who more in my case? and i said does it matter? and how to know? cause both will say they love each other more. well, i managed to ask her the reason behind the question. well, the reason is -

if a guy loves his girl more, the guy will be more aware of his responsibility towards his love. means, he will know what to do and what should he do when his girl is alone out there. so, he will either be there with her and fetch her so that she will be safe always and etc. this is only an example.

well, if a girl loves more her guy more, she's willing to do anything for her guy. and she's willing to be there for him always. well, what else can a girl do for a guy?

well, that was what i was being told. when i reflect back on my case, i suddenly feel so low. for the time being, i can feel that i love him more. what have i done so far? after work, i came willingly to his house to meet him. although it was my sleeping day (after my last night shift), i came silently to his house. and all he said was not to disturb him cause he wanted to sleep. so i didnt disturb him but waited in the living room. there was a few times i got to come his house cause he didnt know where to go for our dating. well, apparently we spend our dating in the house. well, of course i dont mind cause we got to save money, rather than wasting money outside. but i feel akward to be around his family all the time. and sometimes, he leaves me alone. how sad. and he loves bullying me when we are in front of his mom. and loves to malukan aku depan mak dier. well, i got thicken my face nowadays. honey, i got feelings too. how can you think that im so strong to face all these? well, im not that strong actually. i just have to keep inside my heart. its only me and heart. well, when i asked dear, who loves who more. he just replied, we need to change in place at times. if last time was him, but now got to be me. like last time, he sacrificed alot for me. he's willing to fetch me from anywhere and he will wait at the mrt station and send me back home so that he knows that i will be home safely. then, there was a time, he fractured/dislocate (i cant remember!) his foot, and he wanted to send me to school in the morning. so he kept the secret till now on how he managed to send me to work without any pain from his foot. well, bestie told me last time. he took a taxi from his home, and alight under my block. well, of course waited for me. then, off we walked to school. yes, WALK! and most of the time during the journey, i asked whether is there any pain or not. and he kept saying no pain. well, i trusted him. and when i got to know the truth from bestie, i got guilty. he is so sweet that time. just to send me to school (after afew days, he cannot send me to school cause of his foot), he still does it. that was the most memorable moment for me. and there was also a few more moments. but all that was the beginning of our relationship. but so far, nowadays we just have to wait for special day to celebrate together. like valentines' day, anniversary, bdays and etc. haix. i just miss the old days. i wonder how to make sparks in out relationship for now. im just sad with the fact. he's no longer realising his responsibility. but now, we are engaged. if i know my responsibility as his fiancee, does he knows his responsibility as my fiance? i dont know. im very confused right now. allah, help me.

received message from honey that he will be going batam for escorting one of the vip. haix. and me, who gonna msg me and who am i gonna msg to? usually honey will reply and sms me. its only him. yes, i dont care what people would say but only him whom i usually msg with. haix. we are already far from each other, and now he's going to batam for the escort job. oh god! i really miss him already. eversince i leave to jb, i already missed him. he's never out of my mind. honey, im gonna miss you, which already did! haix. 2 days is like 2 months to me. so long! i hope patience will stay with me always. honey, ILY!

hello! hello! USS! today was the day.

@ 8am, honey was late for breakfast. we ate at mac, sun plaza. about 9am, we choi to the mrt station. when we reached dhoby ghaut, honey told me that he doesnt want to go USS. saje jek nk kacau fikiran aku. argh! i would still want to go. we are already otw there. so, why not carry on afew more stations to reach our destination. when we reaches waterfront station at sentosa, i didnt feel anything yet. what went through my mind was 'where the heck is USS? have not seen the place yet since just now.' after few turning from so many buildings, i saw the USS globe. wow! i queued up to buy the tix. for me and him! of course! then, take some pics from the globe there and off we go into the USS. fuyoh. it looks so real! as if we really went into cartoon characters world. so we went into the shops, while window shopping, we saw 'Poh' from Kung Fu Panda. he's the panda. well, we lined up to snap photo with him. he's so big! honey so happy to see him. then, we round about. we decided to turn right when there's two ways to go. so, the next character we saw was 'Charlie Carplin'. not sure of the spellings. ehe! i asked honey whether he wants to take photo with him. well, honey doesnt like him. so we walked straight. and when we turned left, we saw 'Transformer's the ride'. wow! the fun is starting to begin. well, we went in and take the ride. have to take the 3D glasses. well, the ride was fun! then, we went out. saw 'Accelarator' which the ride will go round and round. honey doesnt like that kind of ride. he will get dizzy he said. ok, fine with me. i might get dizzy too. so, we went straight abit and we saw the roller coaster. gosh! my heart beats super fast! i wanted to say no to love. but he insisted me to try the ride. well, i tried. when we got up there, i was about to cry! i told honey that i dont want to sit outside but since honey is super tall, he was told to sit inside instead. ala! i opened my eyes when the ride started. but when it started to ride down, gosh! i couldnt opened my eyes already. i just feel like dying at that moment! my heart was beating super fast! gosh! no such thing as 2nd time man. gosh, i dont really cried but there's tears in my eyes! till my eyeliner was smurge. honey help me clean up my face. im so sorry honey. i didnt like the ride. then, we went to the mummy's ride. gosh! same like transformer's ride but worst! there was fire, water splashing, and worst still, the ride went down more worst than the roller coaster just now. haix. and the ride was super dark. if anything happen, gosh, i cant imagine any further! after that, we saw treasure hunters. we read the notice outside the place. it says the ride ... blah blah blah. so its a ride. since its a ride, me and honey went in and line up in the queue. kinda long queue. thought that the ride will be fun. gosh! the ride is like for a toddler! nothing much i can say, but i can say nothing for this ride. its boring. hmm. then, we went out and straight into the lost world. the first thing we saw was another ride. but it says you may get wet and maybe soaked! gosh. i thought of buying poncho but honey said not necessary. so we took the ride without any poncho with us. and guess what, we were superly soaked after the ride. thanks honey! i love being wet with you! gosh, i poke out my $5 to dry ourselves at the dry corner which already available outside the ride counter. not really dry but i hope gonna try asap. plus with the hot weather, i guess it will help. then, we lined up at another ride in the lost world. kinda fun. but nobody shouted at the seats that me and honey sat. only me! but i only shouted 'OMG'. thats all. well, i dont care whether the ride is scary or what, but whats more important, me and honey had fun. well, after the ride, we took some pics nearby. and off we go to Far Far Away. went into the auditorium of Shrek. and watch his short skits. it was fun. there was one part where donkey sneeze. you imagine when donkey sneeze and there's water splashing over your face. ewww! yup, disgusting but it was fun. well, plain water of course. then, we went to donkey live show. it was abit fun only. cause its not watching any funny movie but its a discussion show. where we got to talk to donkey in live. yeah, live! well, they tricked us that we need 3D glasses but actually no! huh! and the most funniest part was donkey asked someone in the show about merlion. donkey asked what is merlion doing in singapore? the answer is merlion is spitting into the sea. and spitting is illegal in singapore. then he told everyone, why is merlion doing this whereby merlion knows that he is doing illegal thing in singapore which is spitting? gosh. donkey, stop your crap! and next, we went to ride donkey's wife, the dragon ride. it was a small version of roller coaster. honey told me not to close my eyes this time round. yup, i took his challenge and i opened my eyes this time round. this ride was fun actually. but it would be more fun if it is more than one round. well, but then, im all dry up by now. honey was long time ago. of course la! i wear inside also. guys dont! hmmph! then we went into madagascar world. where it says at the ride's notice, you may get wet! ohno! not again! ok, we didnt buy poncho but just go for it. i thought the ride was like the lost world's ride. but this one is slightly childish abit. nothing much but listen to Alex and his friends' talking. there was one part whereby i thought all of us in the boat gonna get drenched. but they stop the water before the boat reaches the waterfall. clever! if i were to be drenched again, i rather take the lost world ride again. i wanted to. but honey doesnt want to ride it again. cause we already dry up. ok, then we went out and see that we are walking to the starting point. so fast! it was like 3 hours to finish up all rides. can be earlier but due to long queues. but i suggest to those who thought of buying universal express, if u wanna more fun, buy the normal tickets. enjoy the queue. cause you can snap more photos with you love ones. ohya. we went one more round of transformer's ride. cause i want! hehe. when it about to drop, i already close my eyes. i cant stand the feeling in the stomach. gosh! but it was fun though. then, we saw another entry that we can see something. hmm. 'Lights, Camera, Action'. whereby it shows the way the director shows us the way they direct a scene which includes fire, water, strong wind. it was fun though. as if we are really at the scene. it was totally superb. and finally, we dont know where to go. thought of waiting for honey's friend but ended up we rot at USS instead. so we walked out of USS. then, we saw Beetlejuice. honey wants to take pics with him. so i followed. well, i still remembered what beetlejuice told me, 'you are so sweet little girl and what are you doing with a loser like him (and he pointed at honey!)' and i said 'what?!'. he continued that i should be going out with someone like him. i was like huh??? then, after the photo taking, he said loudly, 'well, i tried!' so we walked off and honey told me that he dont understand a single thing that beetlejuice said. well honey, he's just doing his job. then, we saw one of the Adam's family character. and we took a pics with him too. he grab my neck! gosh. but it was fun though. then, we saw woody woodpecker gf. haha! it also thought the main character. she was sweet! i thought she wanna hug me or something, but didnt. but the photo was sweet though. nice! i like! then, we saw betty too! the sexy cartoon character. but i didnt take photo with her. honey wants to go home. our legs were super tired! but then, i managed to pull honey to go uniqlo. i wanted to buy something for him. so, i asked him to choose what he like in the shop. and guess what, he chose a mickey mouse shirt. honey said so that can match with minnie mouse shirt too. so, we tried on and paid for the shirts. and off we go to his house. nothing much to update anymore. will try to update the photos once im free. choi people. i will consider to go USS again. and of course, with honey especially!!!!!!

my first ever annual leave. yup. although i worked part time before, there's no annual leave. cause i worked for few months only. so, no such things as annual leave last time. but now, its my full time job. so annual leave is part of it. well, i got no plans for this annual leave. i dont even plan to book this week for annual leave. i wanted annual leave for one week for last december but sister didnt let me to. she brought it forward to valentines' day week instead. well, so i take this opportunity to spend it wisely. but i got one plan only! USS outing. and of course with love! yeah! im gonna have fun with him at there. hopefully. well, besides that, im gonna rot at jb for the whole week! haix. what am i gonna do at jb? housechores? like will never end! female's housework will never end. when will males gonna understand that? nevermind! have fun to myself then!

Today is the day that i can confirmed that everybody is against me. Its not that i did a sinful thing till they against me. But its about sembawang house. Yes, i know that i was the one who wants to come back to sembawang house. But last time, mum also wanted to come back. Susah senang bersame. But the guys, they didnt want to. Maybe because they dont want to be short of money. Yala, have been 'eating' tenants' renting money for 3 years. Of course whenever they want money, there will always be. But now there's no more tenants' money. So everybody have to poke out own money for own uses. Then now mum start to bising2 due to short of money. She herself cant take it anymore. Shortage of money leads to stress. Then how about me? I have been paying the car every month. Not only that, im paying the town council every month too. I even topup dad's bank cause there will be $50 deduct from his account every month. And should i include in his insurance every month? Gosh. All his responsibility is suppose to be handle by son. Not daughter. Im only helping out. Their excuses was brother need to collect money cause of marriage in few years time. And fyi, as a son, he should poke out everything for himself. That's for a SON. As for a DAUGHTER, parents have to be responsible. But for my case, it's the reverse. Sometimes the way they treat me makes me wonder if im really their child. Every month i never forget to provide money for them. I know 100 may be a small amount to them. But to me, its better than nothing. Their sons never even give money to them. And they never complain about it. But when i gave abit late the other time, they seems to be waiting inpatiencely for the monthly money from me. Haix. How hurtful it can be. Whenever i tell love, he's always have negative thoughts about it. What am i supposed to do. Who am gonna tell?

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i saw a post in my facebook's news feed. it's like so true, well, i guess every girl will say its so true. :P

TREAT YOUR GIRL RIGHT, BRO. PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

I know it can be hard to please her sometimes, but it’s worth it in the end. Remember that she’s your happiness, your world. She should be the first person you talk to in the morning, and the last person you whisper “Good night” to. Unlike some of your bros, she’s going to be there for you when you’re the happiest, but more importantly, when you’re at your lowest. She’ll cook for you and care for you, so treat her like a queen. Girls are delicate creatures. Think before you say. Think before you act. They take every little mistake you make and multiply it by a thousand. So try not to mess up, aight? When you’re fighting, sometimes it’s better to put your relationship before your own pride. You’re not helping yourself by making her upset, bro. And never, ever, under any condition, let her go to sleep crying. She’ll resent you for it for the rest of your days. Don’t forget to make her feel special everyday. Open doors, go shopping with her. Hell, make dinner for her! The more you show her you love her, the more she’ll give you in return. Remember that an “I love you” via text is never as special as one in person. And show her off to your bros, don’t be ashamed of her. She’s never been ashamed of your dorky ass. Look, she doesn’t really need much in a relationship; she just wants to feel like she matters to you. That’s not asking for much, bro. But if you haven’t learned a thing from reading this, remember this. Love her unconditionally, loyally, and keep her close. Love her with everything you’ve got: emotionally, mentally, and physically. Because I swear, if you won’t treat your girl right, someone else definitely will.

Im not sure when you asked me to take leave on 15jan just to go jb with you. But when i told you that i will be on sleeping day, you said you gonna fetch me and in the late afternoon, we gonna go jb together. Well, yes, you did fetch me on time. But what abt the promise you made to bring me to jb? Hmm. Excuses. Sister wanna come la. as if you must always be there when your sister come. Its like a parent visiting his/her child's family. Well, i dont know. When other ppl come, you were not there also can. Idk! Maybe you reali love your sister more. Ya, i know. I saw it a long time ago. And you dare to deny that you show diff love for all. Nonsense! Same like my mum. Cakap jek tk pileh kasih, tapi lebihkn anak yang satu tu jek. Same la jgk yang ini. Cakap tak serupe bikin. This is not the first time you make empty promises. I guess love has really make me blind enough to all this. I keep reminding you not to give me empty promises anymore. But what's the outcome? The same! I hate you!

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